Today I decided to write a rather personal story, without the sugar-coated-sweet words.
So here goes..
Hi my name is Tess, and I'm a commitment-phobic.
I'm not always like this. I grew up watching Disney movies and one thing that I learned is that a girl would never be truly happy until she marries her soul mate. Yeah, pretty fucked-up right?
I was a helpless romantic, too (well, I probably still am. haha). I begin to have crushes on boys since I was in kindergarden (what?), receive my first love letter in elementary school, and have a first 'relationship' in 6th grade. And by relationship I meant 'passing notes in class and no eye contact or conversation ever took place. ever'.
I can't help it, I like boys. ;P
In high school I once thought that I wanted to get married in my early twenties, or as soon as I graduate from university. I was single at that time, but I was certain I will meet somebody and fall in love and settle down. Happily ever after, just like the Disney movies.
And then, two major things happened in my life; my parents decided to get separated, and my first love broke my heart.
Goodbye, fairy tale girl. Hello, trust issues.
After a few years I realize that my parent's 'failure' is something that I can learn from, not something that I should be afraid of. It's just one simple story, and it doesn't mean mine would have the same ending.
As for my broken heart, it took some time, but I eventually mend it. Thanks to Ramadhan month, crazy-fun friends, supportive family, ice creams, singing jobs, good grades, and of course, some other new guys.
Dating other people definitely helped me get over him. I went out to dinner/lunch dates with a bunch of guys shortly after the break up (okay, I'm exaggerating, it was only 5 guys... in one month). My point is, getting asked out on dates kinda boost my confidence. It shows me that I can get any guy I want, that I deserve to be treated well, and that there are so many genuinely nice guys out there. And that he's an idiot to cheat on me. ;)
But yeah.. Even after all that I still have a big chunk of commitment-phobia inside of me. Those are just two of the main reasons. In reality, my mind is so much more complicated than that.
I keep wondering why women magazines always have those "How To Get Your Guy To Settle Down" but never "How To Convince Yourself That Marriage Is Not Scary".
Maybe because society thinks that all girls are "commitment-crazy". Well na-ah, not me.
Until next time.